Tuned In and Turned On with Erica Wiederlight

Updated: Feb 1


Next stop, Pleasuretown, USA.


That's right, we turned to pleasure expert, dating and sexual empowerment coach, and host of "Welcome To The Weirderlife" podcast, Erica Weiderlight to have a conversation around how we can have epic relationships with ourselves and others!


We discuss finding our worthiness through trauma, how pleasure work is actually shadow work, and she even shares tips with us on how to align with our own personal pleasure to live a more embodied life.


We had an absolute blast hanging with Erica and we know you will too!


Connect with Erica 👇

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Welcome To The Wiederlife Podcast





Conversation with Erica Wiederlight:

*Text edited for clarity


Calla: You're here! We've so been looking forward to this.


Erica Wiederlight: Oh, I'm so happy to be here. I know. I was like, When are we? And I'm like, oh my god, it's coming up. I'm so excited about this. It's happening!


Leanne:

So funny because we like to do research on all our guests obviously before they come on. And so if they have a podcast, we'll give it a listen just to like, see what they're all about. And ever since I started listening, it has been binge binge binge, I cannot stop.


Calla: We are hooked.


Erica Wiederlight: Stop, I'm dead. Stop, I'm deceased. Thank you.


Leanne: Well, I just, it's so good. You're hilarious. The message is wonderful. And there's so many topics that obviously we want to cover today. But for our listeners, you help people find their pleasure. You help them to feel comfortable in their own skin. And so we want to know, how do you do it?


Erica Wiederlight: That's a great question. Also, I curse like a sailor. So I hope that's okay. So I have to bear in mind. Like, is that okay? Um, you know, it's funny, I have to practice the dance. It sounds so stereotypical, but it's like, I have to practice the tools literally every single day. You know, and I hate that I hate when people like preach this work, and they just like, don't do the work. You know? So it's like, I have to, for my clients, for our listeners. I'm like, Erica, you have to do the damn work. You know, like, you have to do it, you have to show up. And that's like a huge component of like, me being in integrity with it. You know, it's such a silly answer, but it's truth, you know, huh? Yeah. It's big. It's big.


Leanne: You talked about because I never really thought about the purpose of pleasure. Like, obviously, it's, it's a great thing to have, and we all have access to it. But in one of your podcasts you were talking about pleasure helping you heal your deep insecurities.


Erica Wiederlight: Yeah, so I'm actually taking off, it's about to get real taking off my earrings. I was like, here we go. We're about to talk about some real shit like that. Take my earrings off. Um, okay, I'm obsessed with this question. So, yeah, why I'm obsessed with the pleasure movement is obviously like, you feel good, you feel great. But someone that was so deeply insecure, like, I couldn't be in my body, you know what I mean? Like, I was so hyper-focused of like, whatever I'm thinking that I don't like I was so exterior focus and so obsessed about like, I was just ripped out of my body all the time. And so when the priority was come back to pleasure, come back to pleasure, come back to nourishment. You don't give a fuck what anyone thinks, you know what I mean? You're gonna like, you're not following like, Oh, my God, am I saying this? Or is this weird? You're like, you are consistently checking in with yourself. Like, how am I doing? You know, what do I need? Like, it's a more of an internal conversation versus being so obsessed with what's happening on the exterior? You know?


Leanne: Yeah.


Erica Wiederlight: Which is great, because I needed every bit of it. You know what I mean? Like I was saying, oh, says I was so obsessed. And so not my body, and so insecure. So it's funny, I think, um, you know, if you ever listen to the episode, I'm sure you've heard that. I've said, like, I never thought I could heal. You know, I kind of was like, I guess this is just what it is. You know what I mean? Like, I guess it it is like truth. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, I guess this is just life. You know what I mean? Like, I guess this is just living, and this is how it's gonna be. So it sounds so stereotypical. But I'm like, if I can make deep transformation, so many people can because I just thought, well, this is it for me, you know?


Calla: So when you were walking kind of through it, did it stem back to anything? Like particular for you? Yeah.


Erica Wiederlight: Which piece?


Calla: Just your insecurity did it like? Was that one trauma moment? I know, you've talked about your podcasts and things like that, or was it just kind of an upbringing? I'm just so curious.


Erica Wiederlight: Yeah, that's such a good question. I think it was a combination of so many events, you know, like bullying, having a learning disability, like just all I think it all kind of snowballed. Probably by the time I was like, middle school, I was like, I'm out. You know what I mean? Like, I was like, I'm done. And I think it informed my personality of like, and I've talked about this, but like, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm going to be goofy and all that shit, but I'm also gonna have the first laugh before you do you know what I mean? And that's what what formed my personality, the defense at the time, the defensiveness and that like self deprecating humor, and it's funny because for so long, I like resonated with it and now when comedians are so self deprecating, it gets like, . I'm like Louie CK I'm sweating. Yeah, me like Oh my I'm sweating. Because I'm like, it's based in some realness. You know what it means? You're like, Haha, like I feel cringe. So I'm, I'm sure I definitely put people in that situation there where it's like, yeah, but like I'm scared, you know.


Leanne: How did you begin to step out of that though? Like, when did you realize this doesn't have to be the truth for me?


Erica Wiederlight: Yeah, I, you know, I was obsessed with this work for so long. And then I, you know, there's not like, there wasn't that much accessibility to it. So like, I loved it. And then I popped out of it, and I loved it. And I popped out of it. And then when I first started my business, it actually wasn't a business. It was like, just to help people. So I'd go to work. And then like, very grassroots, like, I'd have people come over, like, come to my apartment, I'll teach you things, you know, like, so funny. But like, I'll teach you Reiki, I'll do this for you. Like, then I was pissed, because it was accidentally I was accidentally starting a business. And I was like, No, I don't want it. Like I was so mad. Because I was like, I don't want this. You know what I mean? Because I'm an actor by trade. So I was like, no, no, no. So I saw this thing, unfolding, and I was giving to everyone else. And at one point, it was like, when are you going to take your advice? You know, and when are you going to do this work? Because I worked with so many like, unnealed healers and like, crunchy teachers that teach this shit and they regurgitate stuff they read from a book, but you're like, you're not doing the work. So it was like, if I'm going to, like, preach this stuff, and I'm going to help these people. I'm gonna look like a fool slash, why would they do the work? If I'm not, you know, I'm not gonna be like, You should do this, this and this. And I'm like, I'm taking none of that advice. So it was, it was like, I was gifted, like, the accidental role of teacher. And then I was like, shit, like, I have to, I have to do the damn thing.


Leanne: Mm hmm.


Calla: Yeah, like imposter syndrome, almost right?


Erica Wiederlight: Yes.


Leanne: Yes. Yeah. I think a lot of us deal with that. Even if we've been doing it for 10 years, you know, you still you run into the same problem of like, even if it's just a day, if am I this still like, do I believe this today? Am I good enough to help this person today? It's that's a, that's a daily thing. I think.


Calla: I know what that means, like, shit comes up. For me. I'm like, Well, I have to have the conversation with that person. It's like, damn it. Why was I so on the nose with the name of this thing? Because now I can't avoid it.


Erica Wiederlight: It's so true. It's so true. I hear people that like coaches, and they're, you know, they feel like, you know, it's just like, fine line, like, I hear people feel like I have to be perfect to hold space. And it's like, you don't. I think why people like me is because I'm such a hot mess, a hot mess. But you know, you listen to my podcast, I'm not put together I fucking sing half the time.


Leanne: So put together I think, unique, beautifully put together thing if you don't give yourself enough credit, it is wonderful. And relatable, like you said, everyone can benefit from this work, and it's true.


Erica Wiederlight: It is and that's why, you know, and I'm sure you know, you you you both know, this. It's like, everyone preaches the thing of like, niche niche niche, you know, have that thing. And I'm like, I can't, you know, like, I don't want to talk to I can you know what I do happen to see a certain, you know, same type that does walk into the Zoom Room to work with me. But I can't. Like I think that's a little bit for me, it feels it doesn't feel in alignment, like I want to talk to the masses. And I do feel like this work is for everyone. You know, this work is for everyone to feel better and feel aligned and be embodied. Like how is you know, that's so that's such an inclusive topic.


Leanne: Mm hmm. How did you get comfortable with the topic of pleasure and sex in general? Because even just saying it for me, I'm like, in there, like, how did you get


Erica Wiederlight: Its so funny, because I think it's a daily check. I have to, like, I'm like, Oh, I have to deal with this today. But it's so funny because I you know, like, I was coasting under the radar for a while, like, I had my clients, I would do some articles. No one like, really knows, unless they really asked and releasing the podcast. I was like, I didn't think anything of it. Like I was like, here I am releasing podcasts, whatever. And I'm not kidding. The amount of people that have reached out from high school. It makes me sweat and they're like, You're so brave. And I'm like, fuck it. Yeah, like, no, no, it's okay. Like, I didn't this was an accident, like I did not into you anticipate that you don't mean like, I, when I'm talking. I think I'm talking to someone like I'm helping them in inspiring them. And of course, they can still be inspired and helped but I'm just like, oh my god, the level of like, uncomfort so I have to still sit with it. You know what I mean? Some days I'm like, Yeah, I'm a badass and I do this work. And some days I'm like, Oh, I gotta breathe through this because it's it's so uncomfortable. Trouble, and especially with different, like generations and stuff, like we could talk about and so like TE, but like with, like, older people on this, they're like, what does that entail? You know? So it's like, I have to consistently, like, regulate my nervous system to have this talk, you know, because it's like, it's such a triggering combo. Yeah.


Calla: What do you say to them? When they say like, really? What do you do? How do you explain it to the older generation?


Erica Wiederlight: Yeah, that's such a good question. Sometimes if I see people truly like, pass away, like, I have to ship like, I'm like, like they are, you know, like, they're, they're, they're, they're out of this world. Like they're having an out of body experience. So I tailor it so like, it's empowerment. And I do talk about the piece of like, you know, it's not you know, it's it's more trauma based, you know, so like, if someone have experienced trauma or you know, they are struggling with addiction, then people like okay, they could hear that more. Where they if they think like I'm like dancing and feathers every day they truly black out, you know?


Leanne: You are dancing feathers every day.


Erica Wiederlight: I'm like, here's a secret I dance in feathers every single day my life I wish maybe I should commit to that.


Calla: I mean, New Year new goal.


Erica Wiederlight: Like that's that's the type of goal setting that I'm about


Leanne: I want to talk about the seasons of our bodies. That was mindblowing


Calla: Blew my my mind.


Erica Weiderlight: Really? Oh my god, I'm so happy. Okay, good.


Leanne: You have the floor.


Calla: Take it and run.


Erica Wiederlight: Very dramatic water sample.


Leanne: Get hydrated.


Erica Weiderlight: Like, here we go.


Calla: We will turn up the audio for that? Yeah.


Leanne: Earrings are off, chugging water. Let's go.

It's game time


Erica Weiderlight: Here we go. We're about to go in. So yeah, I'm obsessed with this conversation too. Because, you know, society teaches that we're always in one season or we should I should I like we should always be in one season. And that's usually usually a spring summer of like, I'm productive. I'm hot. I'm you know, having these orgasms. I'm doing like it's that is the narrative that is being produced through society. So when we're in a fall winter, it's like we have this shame that we didn't even know was fucking shame. You know what I mean? Like I'm we're like, why am I not? You know, why am I not hustling? Why am I not producing Why am I not in consistent state of pleasure, and I wanted to normalize this conversation. So we can take away some of that shame and some of that conditioning and honor what's really going on in the body. And an example right now is I hear a lot of clients are like, I'm not feeling the new year new me thing right now. Like they're feeling like very much in winter, you know, they're like, I don't feel inspired to start something new. I don't feel inspired right now to work out or to apply to jobs. I really am in hibernation state, like I want to, you know, process and almost be in like that cuddle, you know, position, metaphorically. And the shame you know, comes in, and they're like, but I should be producing I should be new year new me I should you know, so there's a lot of shoudling, and a lot of shame that's just like, poured on top. And so that's part of why I wanted to do that first episode was normalize the conversation that you're not always going to be one flavor. You know, there's many different flavors. And one of my teachers who I'm sure you hear me talk about all the time, Regena Thomashauer is she talks about seasons, but she really more talks about emotions. And she says, so often people play with just like two notes, you know, think of it a piano. And it's like, we just play two notes. We know those two notes, we know those two notes she's like, but there's 88 fucking keys on a piano. And we rarely touch them. You know, it's like, we just know these, we just know these, we just and we're playing the same music over and over and over again. And there's shame and fear and all that comes up when we play with the other keys, but they're there. And that's, you know, that conversation goes for the emotion piece. But that also goes for our bodies and where we are in time and space, if that makes sense.


Calla: Yeah.


Leanne: What would you say to the person because I'm very much like the type you described. It's like, my value lies a lot in my productivity, which you talked about in one of your other episodes. And I didn't even really put two and two together until you said it out loud. And I was like, that's, that's me. But what about the person who is maybe in winter too much? Maybe it's would that be considered like depression? Like, how would that person allow themselves to feel that way? But maybe try to get themselves out of it?


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, that's really good. Because that's the thing too, right? It's like, yes, we talked about summer. Yes, we talked about spring, but we also get stuck in the other ones. And also, it's like, we know that, you know, we usually have one season that we really know so we tend to go back. I think that sounds so silly, but I think the first part of this conversation is knowing that more is available, because I think that gives us space to then move it. You know, like, of course there's other steps after but when we don't have the awareness, it's like, well, I guess I'm just gonna go back to winter. I guess I'm gonna keep coming back to summer, you know, like, you just keep coming back.


Calla: Yeah, it's comfortable.


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, exactly, exactly. So I think it's like, the first step is like, knowing you can shift and doing in a way that feels safe. So it'd be so aggressive to suggest someone that's in their winter to like, just get to summer. Like, I'm sure you could feel like the contraction. in your body. It's like good. Like, no, honestly, that feels violating, you know, so it's like, maybe it's not from winter to summer, even winter to spring, maybe it's like, it's still winter, but it's not as snowy outside. You know what I mean? Like, like, maybe it's just like, there's, there's some sun, you know, so and it's like, what does that look like for you, you know? How can we slowly incorporate more summer spring flavor without totally ripping you out of your body and into an experience that feels unsafe and unfamiliar. That's, I mean, I'm sure you guys have picked this up from my work, I really want to honor people where they are, you know, I never want to force or rip them to a different place, I really want to honor and make it safe and normalize and except where they are right here right now. And lightly, gently move them towards where they want to be. So it's like a dual effect. You know, like, I want to normalize where you are, I want to not have you shame the shit out of yourself and crucify yourself. Like, that's that. And then how can we get towards what you want with love and compassion? You know?


Leanne: Yeah, yeah. It's similar. I mean, that's really the only way it sticks, I think is like, I do personal training. And so that's what we're always taught you meet someone where they're at, I don't have, you know, a 60 year old woman who hasn't worked out in 30 years come in and put a barbell on her back and have her squat, you know? Talk about violating. It's little baby steps to get them hopefully, where they want to be.


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, exactly. It's just an like you said, it doesn't stick. And that's why I released I think, an episode last week about like, resolutions, they're great. And theory, and about them, if there's a healthy way to hold them, you know, but if it's coming from a place of shame, and you're a piece of shit, you know, like, it's just not gonna stay. I mean, it could there could be some length to it, but it's coming from such a gross, contracted space, you know, so it's, I'm more about hmm, like you said, meeting where you are, and moving towards that versus like, I have to change, like, I'm doing something so aggressive, like giving that person that sixty year old woman, like, that feels so fucking aggressive. You know? So it's like, once that happens, like, once that happens, that we're doing not like the full, you know, final goal here. Yeah,


Calla: It's so individualized to so I would think that you'd have to have such a unique approach and like a broad toolbox to kind of dig into when you're dealing with, with people with such unique situations that they're coming in into your work with. So who is like, your typical client, when you when they have a call with you? Who are the type of people that are coming to you?


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, it's so I laugh, because it's like, it's such a mix, which I'm so grateful.


Calla: That's amazing.


Erica Weiderlight: I'm glad Yeah. And, you know, in the coaching world, I see so often, like, I market to this person, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just am like, I don't want to do that over and over and over again, you know, like, I just, I just can't, it doesn't feel fun or rewarding to me. But the people that I do see, that come in the door, it sounds silly, but they want change, and they're like down to do the work. And they're committed to doing that. And like I said, kind of what we talked about, like, they want more pleasure, they are healing from sexual trauma, or they feel so not confident, you know, I just talked to a client earlier, that's like, I don't, I can't explain to you how you've changed my life in regards to confidence. She said, like, I was a shell of myself. Like, I truly was a shell of myself. And she's like, I You taught me that, like, I can enjoy things, and I can be confident and I mean, you can't put a price on that shit. You know, it's just so rewarding to see these people grow and flourish.


Leanne: Yeah. And I like to that you talk about pleasure in such a broad spectrum. Like it's not just sexual. It's like, do I want to eat this food? Or do I want to curl up and watch this movie? And I, I thought about like, having downtime and relaxing time that way, but I haven't thought about that in terms of like, pleasure. Like, what is this list of things that will make me feel good? I love that very broad version of it.


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah. Because it all and you know, here's the thing it feels to like, it doesn't feel good. I mean, sometimes there's a space for because like we have to, you know, don't have to but ideally we have to produce things to make money and live you know, so we can't always be In our, you know, boa outfit that we talked about, you know, always be like Erica in her feathers apparently.


Leanne: Do both at the same time!


Erica Weiderlight: That's, that's the key. And that's what I teach my clients like, how can you have both? And sometimes both, like, you know what I always say like, Oh, can you do this at the DMV? Can you do this? While you're, you know, yesterday someone's like, I really don't want to do this furthering education class. I'm like, great, I don't need you to be in a boa outfit, but like, what, how can you turn it up like to Knox and for her, it was like, Okay, I'm gonna make my favorite cup of tea. I'm gonna do this class in bed. And after I'm going to give myself like a really delicious chocolate. you know what I mean? Like it doesn't have to be this like, outrageous Las Vegas showgirl type pleasure. But why I love this conversation is it takes you from like victim. It was as soon as something so gross is back. It takes you from victim to vixen. I was like, Eww Erica go to bed. Like that's so gross. I'm like disgusted with myself. But there is some baby truth to that, you know, like, it takes you fry. You know, instead of being like, Oh, this sucks. Like, you know, you feel like the day has been ripped away from you. Like, I have to go to the DMV, I have to do this. I have to this. It's like, okay, how can you take your power back? Yes, you have to do those things to be a functioning human. But how can you you know, to Yeah, like have your power in it and your stake in it. Instead of being like, I'm just a victim to this day. I'm just a victim to these circumstances. It's like, okay, what's my role was how can I add a little bit of magic in this? How can I kind of CO create with this thing instead of feeling like life is taking you?


Calla: Yeah, inject your joy into the situation?


Erica Weiderlight: Yes, exactly. You know, that's exactly it. That's so that's right on the money.


Leanne: Is that a tough perspective to change though, because there are a lot of people who have lived their entire lives truly believing they are the victim of this circumstance or these people. And they it's almost like that's the narrative they've fed themselves so long that it's they don't want to believe that they could make it make a change or make it any different.


Erica Weiderlight: I'm so glad you brought it up. That's why I hate saying like, and I fucking would never because it makes me cringe. But that's why I'm like, victim to vixen


Calla: I kinda love it now.


Leanne: I do too.


Calla: It's growing on me.


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, let's make a Hashtag, do merch.


Leanne: Yeah, that's my goal for 2022.


Erica Weiderlight: But why I'm like resistance sometimes even in the podcast, but like, or going on podcast, why I'm resistant to saying the word victim is like, some people really have been victimized. And so that's why it's like, I hate when the you know, some of the people in the coaching world throw it like, you're a victim, you're a victim. And I'm like, oh, some people are, you know, some people have experienced massive trauma and abuse and horrible situations. So there is truth to that. So that's why I don't want to like dampen the the victim thing. And so it's a two parter. So it's like, yes, there are real victims of horrendous situations. And then to end for the situations that are lighter, where we kind of cause our own suffering or cause our own pain. That's a huge part of my work as a coach, because I have to keep calling out, you know, people like lovingly being like, Haha, you're so cute. Like, that's so cute. Like, you're you're, you're putting yourself like, you're, you're creating pain through stories, and this and that. So it's a two parter. You know, it's like, if there is real trauma, we hold that a little bit differently. But if we're creating our own pain through stories, and all of that, as a coach, I have to lovingly and gently kind of call that out and be like, okay, like, I see you, I see you. But you know, so it's a lot of me honestly, the first few months. I just have to remind people and they're like, oh, shit, you know what I mean? Because they, they don't even realize like, how, that's who they they're being, you know what I mean? Because it's like, you've known it for so many years.


Leanne: Are they open to it for the most part?


Erica Weiderlight: I get Yes. And I get a lot of objections. Because it's scary. You know, it's like, you're asking me to change so much, you know, so people are of course, scared. So I get like, I have gotten every excuse in the book. Like, it's not for me, I don't have the time. I don't have the money or whatever, if I mean everything and like, ah, and I can't, I'm like, okay, like, again, meeting them where they're at. But I have to remind them, you know, keep coming back, keep coming back, keep coming back to what they want. So objections are always out and about I mean, I still have my objections to my coaches and stuff I'm like, but and there Like, you're so cute anyway, yeah.


Leanne: Yeah, you, you give people empowerment. But then you take away their excuses. And I think that's what's very frightening for people.


Erica Weiderlight: Yes. And exactly. That feel because the excuses in a way feel like, which it's not but like a delusional world, it feels like they're empowering. Because you feel safe behind them and you feel justification behind them. You're like, no, no, but Erica, you don't understand I don't have the money, or I don't have the resources. Again, there's some truth to some of these things. I don't have the time, like, there feels like there's a safety net. So when someone's challenging that, you know, it can be both exciting and anxiety inducing, you know, and that's a big part of this work is like, Oh, my God, I'm so excited to change. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. And then I'm scared shitless. Because what will happen, you know, like, Who will I be? You know, will I trigger people? Will I definitely, you know, there's so many fears of what's on the other side of this work?


Calla: That's why I loved in one of your pod, I think it was your very first episode, when you were talking about letting go. It was to take the things that scare you, and then to really sit down and be like, Well, what's underneath here? Let's unlock that. Why is it so fearful? And it wasn't just in the, like, the sexual context of like, pleasure, it was very much of like the white Mercedes, right, like, Yeah, but what about that is like you're three years in, and you still don't have it, what's keeping you back. And I thought, that whole concept in that whole kind of assignment, if you will, to sit down and really write out the good things, the pros, and the cons list of it was, was beyond powerful. I was doing it for myself. When I was listening, and I was like, This is real, I had never thought to look at it like that.


Erica Weiderlight: Right? It's like, you know, we all have and if anyone wants to check her out, she has like a very thorough, so mine's kind of more butchered, but she has a very thorough process rooms, Carolyn Elliot. And she does kind of like that fear, like going through the whole fear thing. But exactly. It's like, we all want things. And then we like shit on ourselves. Like, why hasn't it happened? Why hasn't happened, something must be wrong with me. I don't know how to manifest, right? I'm broken. Like, we just do create all these stories of why we're broken or messed up or something's wrong with us. We're not worthy of the thing. And then it's like, I love that tool. Because we're breaking down again, the white Mercedes, we're breaking down the objections we have, you know, and I think that's really important. And it first of all, makes us feel more, you know, it normalizes us and makes us feel more sane of like, oh, this is why I wasn't going towards them like white Mercedes, I say, I want a white Mercedes. I always use this fucking example. But, you know, I say I want a white Mercedes. But I'm really fearful. If I show up and have a luxury car, people will use me, I'm scared, I'm not good with money. And I'll burn through. You know, it's like, it's so funny because we say we want these things. And then we have so many fears, objections underneath it. So the point of this work, or one of the point of the, you know, this work is to get underneath that stuff, and to like, sit with that shadow and turn it around. So you can actually have the thing that we want.


Calla: guilt free.


Erica Weiderlight: Yes, yes. And I should say, have the thing we want and be the more importantly, be the person that you want to be because it's great to have the white Mercedes, it's great. The, you know, the trips and travel, you know, that shits great. But it's like, why I love this work is watching people transform on their way to getting there because it's not about the white Mercedes, but it's, yeah, it's who that person has to be to get that thing or to be you know, then they have to show up and or their money blocks, they have to show up, but that you get what I'm saying, but it's watching the person step up, transform. And be who they you know, who they always wanted to be. That is the magic. And then the other stuff is just, you know, icing on the cake.


Leanne: So self love, obviously is a spectrum and you've got the people this this wasn't in his me to an extent of, you know, self love is selfish. I don't have time to do this. I don't have the resources that aren't Gee, then you've got the other side of like, you touched on it in your podcast, kind of like a narcissistic type of self love where you put yourself above everybody else. How do you help people on either side of that?


Erica Weiderlight: Yeah, that's a really good question because I also see you know, I don't know if you've ever looked if you've listened to this podcast episode, but I think it's fucking hilarious. So really briefly, and I'm just crossing my legs, so don't mind me - Like here we go I, I think I talked about some of the podcast episodes is, you know, I was doing this work and it was about pleasure and feeling good and self love and all that shit. And I remember so clearly I think I talked about this. We went to Mexico when I broke my foot in Mexico. Yeah, yeah, I couldn't I literally needed people. I couldn't do shit.


Calla: That's my worst fucking nightmare by the way.


Erica Weiderlight: No me too you. I remember I was like, Well, what happened? I guess I could survive this. Like it had fucking happen. I remember my mom when I left. She's like, don't get hurt. I'm like, Mom, why would I get hurt. Two days later. I'm like, I'm like, Damn, you couldn't do shit. Like literally. So dependent. I remember I was like, Well, this is a community of empowered women, of course, like people are gonna scoop in. And some were amazing and you know, whatever. But a lot of the narrative I heard was, like, if I was like, Oh, can you take me to class? I'm so sorry. Do you mind taking me to class? Or like, can you take me to breakfast? And it was? Yeah, that's not my pleasure.


Leanne: I don't understand that.


Erica Weiderlight: It makes me cringe. Yeah. Because I think you know, what we were learning in that school was pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. And it's like, what's in your pleasure? And I remember talking to the head teacher and the teachers after and they're like, Yeah, people always fucking misconstrue this work. And they think it's like, and that's where I saw it was so selfish based. Like, that's not my pleasure. And I'm like, That's not you know, and I would see people be like, Oh, I mean, this is an extreme example of like, I don't really want to do my taxes. That's not my pleasure. And I'm like, Yeah, you know, like, you're taking the word, the same


Calla: It's not an excuse to be an asshole.


Erica Weiderlight: Like, I'm like, Excuse me, like, what, so that's where I see the work going so askew, and that, it is frustrating. And I do have to, my clients never really get there. But if I do notice that they start to be like, you know, I'm not gonna work on this day, I'm like, hold on, hold on, hold on, you know, like, I You do have to, you know, I do want to, it's a balance, you know, of like getting so selfish. But here's the real thing with the self love, like the real self love, when you do it, right, when it's in alignment is actually such a gift to others. Because if I'm really loving myself, if I'm really nurturing myself, I'm not like, taking from you, meaning I'm not like sucking you dry of energy. even think about it in partnerships, like someone that's like, very anxious, it's like, I need you to validate me, you know, I need you, me, okay, like, Oh, my God, like, you feel that. But if you have that true self love, you can allow that person to breathe and have space. And also, it's so you know, stereotypical, but when you shine, it gives other other people permission to shine. And that's such a big part of my work. You know, like, I think people have seen me over the years. And they're like, you just, you know, yes, I think I'm good at my job. And I think I there is power to my words and all that shit. But I think a big part and a big component of why it's transformational, is they see me just showing up, you know, and that in itself, like, Oh, I see Erica being a fucking wackadoo and singing on a podcast. Like, her weird, weird ass magic. I see that bitch showing up like, I can too. So much too. And also, like, really briefly want to talk about, like, the parenthood conversation real brief, but like, I have I see, like, mothers and fathers and you know, non binary parents that are just like, it makes you sweat. How, you know, like, when they're like yelling at the kid, and I'm like, Oh, God, oh, God, Oh, God. So like, for me, like the best parenting is when the parent could walk away, take good care of themselves and show and, you know, really come back to the relationship like that is such and so funny. Like, we're selfish. We do self love, it's like, that's the biggest gift ever, you know, so I particularly love to work with moms, because they, their relationships with their partners and their children are so, so so different. And in actuality, it's like not selfish at all. It's a huge, huge gift to others, you know, that they can be with you and you're in a juicier place opposed to being like, oh, yikes to be around. You know, that's what that's my biggest desire for my friends and family that are struggling, you know, I don't want them to have I mean, listen, I want them to have the white Mercedes to but I want them to have this work. You know, like, I'm like that all I want, you know, and they have the narrative. I know people that have the narrative. Well, it's selfish. It's selfish. I'm like, no, please dear God. You know, get in the room with someone that could help you with this stuff. Because if you really do love yourself, it would be such a gift to all of us because then you would be less cranky and agitated in this net. So it is actually a very selfless act because you're giving to yourself, which then gives to others.


Calla: And again, it teaches the kids to do that for themselves too.


Erica Weiderlight: Exactly. And also, it's, it's sets up, like, a beautiful relationship, that the parent exactly, it's like helps the child, they're like, Oh, I'm worthy of this. But it's also like, teaches that, like, you shouldn't, I'm trying to word this eloquently, but it's not happening. But like, you know, I can like what the hell, if I can say this, but that the parent, like shouldn't be abused, you know, like, I see, actually, I have clients times that there'll be like, you know, they teach their kids to draw them a bath for them. So it's actually not just you of course, the child is there to receive, receive receive, but it teaches children also to give and is like, Oh my God, my mom, it's not like my mommy is just a punching bag. And she's just gives and gives, it gives yes, that she is there to keep me safe and protected and all that shit. But it is also powerful to be like, Hey, babe, come, like Mommy's gonna take a bath. She's gonna clean herself. She's gonna take really good care of herself for 30 minutes. Do you want to help me in that? Like, they get to experience what it would feel like to give and they see a full human opposed to a shell of someone which is tremendous.


Leanne: Just like a vending machines.


Erica Weiderlight: Yup, exactly, exactly. It's so I think it's such a valuable tool. Like we're saying, like, for them like to know, like, I'm worthy of this. Also, it's so counterintuitive for a parent to say, take good care of yourself, eat your fruits and vegetables and all that, and the parent is just not there. You know? So that's like true modeling. When you take really good care of yourself, that's modeling to the kid like, Oh, I'm worthy of, you know, taking moving my body and you know, all the stuff that that we're kind of talking about here.


Calla: Yeah, that life giving stuff.


Erica Weiderlight: Yes, exactly because it makes it's like, okay, you're saying this. But, you know, like, you're saying, oh, to do these things, but you're not showing me what that looks like. Because we all I think that's the issue too, with the self love shit is it's like, it's so conceptual. It's so Instagrammable. Like, we all get it, we could all share, we can all be like a face masks. And then it's like, no one's going really deeper with the conversation. Like, I think we all get it, you know, we're like, yeah, I get it. But there's like, an underbelly that we're not like exploring, talking about and normalizing. Mm hmm. Yeah, totally.


Calla: Thank you, taking care of yourself, is everything. Right? Like, I saw this thing the other day, it was like, what if we normalize like your kid seeing you work out so that when they're adults, they don't, they aren't fearful of going into the gym themselves, or like doing all these things. And so, like, it is critical in our family like that our kids see us active and doing things and taking good care of ourselves. And, and now it's funny, they get home on Friday, and they love Fridays, because they're like, I'm gonna run a bath, I'm gonna like they do their own thing. Like, they all just go and take out my daughter. She's like, a maniac, but like, she'll get up and she just wants to like, go work out and go do things herself. And she has her schedule, because it gives her the energy to do the things that she wants to do you know what I mean? And I wish I could say she did that on her own. But I know it's because my husband and I show up for ourselves. And that feels really arrogant saying and I don't know why. But it's not it's I had to learn to be that example. And my kids were mirrors to me because I they needed to see that because I don't want them to have to go through some of the struggles that I did without stuff.


Leanne: That's I'm like obsessed with it. That's such a huge celebration. And you should be so proud of yourself. I know. It's you know, because it feels like Oh, I feel bad. I feel bad. But like, that's


Calla: Its just weird to say I never say it out loud.


Leanne: Listen, it's all good, it's a safe space. I told you I was dressing up in boas so.. I'm like there's no holding back. Apparently today. So just


Calla: perfect. No, it's very, very, it's cool. Because I don't think that I had that growing up. You know what I mean? Yep. My parents were busy. And it was the hustle. And it was getting ahead and, and hard work. And I'm so thankful for that. Because that's allowed me to get in a lot of doors because of that work ethic. But it was the other side of things that it was just kind of like, wow, I saw them running themselves ragged to support us. But I didn't see them really taking care of themselves in in ways that I could have learned from, you know?


Erica Weiderlight: it's so true. And I think it teaches kids to like, how to respect other people. You know, like I see, you know, different families and stuff where it's like, again, like you said, like the ATM that it's like, it's just that take, take take take energy, and again, they're children. So they do need to receive and all that, but they're not seeing sometimes they don't see the parent as a full human. And so I think if they're like, Oh, Mommy needs to walk away and take a bath. I think you kind of build empathy, and you build there's some of that going on. And so I think that that's why it's not selfish. It's selfish. It's like it's so not. Like it's teaching kids, which is huge, but also family members, friends, you know, it's it's such a gift. And here's the thing when it does go to the it's not my pleasure, that's not real self love. You know what I